The Bluebird of Happiness

Sometimes, I think western society is the “downfall” of marriage.Prior to the 20th century, “love” was simply not the focal point of matrimony. An article from Psychology Today puts this in perspective for you and me.

From the dawn of man through the Reniassance period, love was “an absurdly flimsy reason” for people to marry - according to the article. The Greeks believed “inheritance is more important that feelings.” In Rome, “wife-swapping was a career move.”

The Hindus weren’t the only ones arranging marriages either - in 12th century Europe, upper-class families married to strengthen wealth and the only appropriate outlet for passion was adultery.

French essayist Montaigne wrote, “Any man in love with his wife must be so dull that no one else could love him.” (16th century)

Moving on to the late 1600s, Puritans in North America warned their congregants against “loving their spouses too much.”

According the article - you can blame gold-digging wives on the British. “Ladies’ debating societies declare that while loveless marriages are regrettable, women must consider money when choosing a partner.”

Let’s jump into the 1950s - the nuclear family unit. Remember those TV shows where the mother stays home in her dress, apron and heels while the husband goes to work. Golly gee - those were great times when life was keen! Twenty years later, the divorce rate skyrockets because changing social rules “mean marriage is no longer obligatory.” Damn hippies!

In 2008, marriage rates are down; idealized weddings run rampant and people are living together to ensure they’ve “found their soulmate.”

So has marriage declined? Is it failing? Is it an out-dated institution?

The experts will say yes - it delined and is failing. In fact, the experts will frighten us with statistics about how children from single-parent (most often single-mother) households are more likely to use alcohol and drugs, have pre-marital sex and bear children at an early age. What they can’t seem to agree on is if it’s an out-dated institution.

I say define marriage for yourself. I’ll even offer my “expert” opinion - as a child of divorce/divorced person/remarried person/step-mother.

Marriage is the largest commitment of your life. At its best, it’s a legal and spiritual bond between two people. These people vow to care for one another when the times are good - lots of money, food on the table, in good health - and to support one another when the times are bad - a job loss, life-threatening illness, death of loved ones.

A marriage ties together intimate friends. Your spouse is the person you’ll share a bank account, a home, possibly children and your life with. Marriage is about putting yourself second; it’s about trying to think as a unit.

Marriage also is about respecting your spouse’s unique qualities. It’s knowing he or she loves to sew, golf, paint, canoe or play drums. It’s about supporting her or his dreams. It’s also realizing that sometimes, your dreams come second. It’s about having a fighting chance against a world that is determined to drag you through hell, break your spirit and tell you that marriage is a dying institution.

It’s about finding someone who makes you think, stretches your limits and helps you grow. Marriage realizes that no one person is always correct. It knows that some nights, you’ll sleep on the couch. Sometimes, you’ll scream at one another. Sometimes, the sound of your spouse’s voice will get on your nerves.

And in spite of the hard work, marriage is knowing at the end of the day - you have an advocate. You have someone that is on your side, holding your hand and telling the world to kiss your ass.

It won’t always be easy; but I promise, marriage is worth it.  

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