The Bluebird of Happiness

Tom Cruise is giving marriage advice to Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. I don’t know if Cruise is the guy I’d go to for relationship tips, but Pratt and Montag seem OK with it. In fact, Pratt said, “You all know how I feel about big weddings … if Tom’s the best man, we’ll have a big wedding!” You can read more on the story here.

Gay marriage continues to dominate the headlines. The latest wave of activism came today - “Call in Gay Day.” The purpose is to show exactly how integral homosexuals are to broader culture. They might only compose a small percentage of the population — but so do Jews. Food for thought! The full article is here.

New Jersey might be the next state in the union to legalize gay marriage. According to an article from Reuters, the Civil Union Review Commission said “same-sex couples cannot achieve equality with heterosexual couples if their legal status is restricted to civil unions.” New Jersey’s state constitution promises equality for all residents of that state. Wanna know more? Clicky here.

That’s it for this edition; tune in tomorrow for more marriage-related chatter.

-S-

My wedding band is missing.

I could be a sore loser (no pun intended) and completely blame my husband. After all, he was the guy holding my rings while I washed dishes after a meeting. The rings were in his pocket — not mine. When we got home, I tried to retrieve the rings before going to bed; one was missing. It likely fell out of his pocket somewhere along the way.

But I have to take some of that blame. I could have washed the dishes with my rings on. I could have set them on a counter. Instead, I made them his responsibility, therefore making it unfair for me to completely dump the blame on him.

It’s in these moments I remember that marriage is about forgiveness.

While my ring was an expensive token of our love, it is just that — a token. Our commitment to one another isn’t contained in a ring. We aren’t any less married because I have one ring on my finger. Our matrimonial bond will not crumble because I’m missing a little bling.

Marriage truly lives in our relationships — the laughter, love, discussions and commitments we choose to make everyday. It’s a decision we make each morning when we wake up to care for our husbands or wives. It’s a relationship we cherish, build and watch flourish.

My relationship with my husband shouldn’t strain because my wedding band was lost. I am upset about the situation; however, some things in life simply don’t call for starting a never-ending battle.

Has your spouse unintentionally hurt you recently? Have you unintentionally hurt him or her?

Make tonight the night you forgive (or ask for forgiveness) and forget. Life’s too short to be angry with the one you love most.

-S-

Sometimes, I think we spend too much time “communicating” with our spouses. It’s one thing to have an in-depth conversation with a husband or wife. But we live in a world of instant communication gratification. We can:

- Call someone through his or her work number;
- Call someone at his or her home number;
- Call someone on his or her cell phone;
- Text message;
- Instant message (through a variety of messengers);
- Video chat;
- E-mail;
- Twitter;
- Comment on his or her blog;
- Write a letter or note; and
- Have a face-to-face conversation.

I’m sure I’ve left some method of communication out (carrier pigeon), but this is the modern world. We have information in the blink of an eye. I could know what my husband is doing instantly through these various modes of communication.

But there are times I wish I couldn’t. My marriage needs a certain degree of separation. I need time away from my husband to retain my individuality. Married people have to remember what life was like before their wedding day. We should not be completely defined by our marital status.

Besides, if I tell my husband every single detail of my day as it’s happening, what will we discuss over dinner?

-S-

I was listening to the “Twelve Pains of Christmas” song this morning on my way to church. the sixth pain is “Facing my in-laws.” It left me pondering exactly how many people are anxious about spending time with in-laws?

Maybe I’m just blessed; my husband and I don’t have any hang-ups about one another’s parents. In fact, my family and his family have gone to bars or dinner together. We all get along fairly well.

But what about those wives and husbands with “wicked in-laws?”

A quick Internet search reveals several options to help you cope with your extended-by-marriage family this holiday season (I’ve including some of the best advice).

- Dr. Gail Saltz recommends six tips for dealing with in-laws, including setting a time-limit for your visit. “It’s better to end up wanting more time than to feel like you want to throw your guests out, or vice versa,” Saltz said.

- Numerous sites suggest establishing family traditions within your family unit. If you want to spend every Christmas Eve with your spouse and children, do it! It’s important to develop your own familial identity, even if it disappoints your in-laws.

If you’d like to read more on this topic, HundredsofHeads.com has a book called “How to Survive your In-Laws.” The authors interviewed hundreds of couples for advice on coping with family. Some of the ideas were pretty cute.

I read an opinion piece by Cynthia Tucker, the Atlantic Journal-Constitution. It discussed how the Obamas are a model for marriage.

I’ve never really pondered the effect of ethnicity on a couple’s marriage. Statistically, African American children are at “a higher risk” because most are born out of wedlock. Sociology tells us these situations create a host of issues, from drug abuse to risky sexual behavior to poor academic success.

So why don’t African Americans marry?

I was talking about this with a black friend, and she said there are several schools of thought within the black community. Some black men think black women are only interested in material things. Many black men have a criminal background (no matter how great or small), and black women don’t want to be involved with a “gangsta.” I cannot recall her other explanations, but they weren’t encouraging.

So, why do children benefit from marriage?

Children require some structure in their lives to make sense of the world around them. Marriage provides a stability that cohabitation does not. It has a feeling of permanence. There’s a deeper commitment involved for a married couple. If you’re willing take legal measures to secure your relationship - you aren’t looking to cut and run. I’m sure there are other reasons why marriage benefit children; unfortunately, I’m not prepared enough to make those arguments now.

I’m not an expert in sociology, psychology or child development; however, I’m a product of a divorced family. I know how difficult it can be for a parent to raise a child on his or her own. I understand that a healthy marriage gives children a positive example of a romantic relationship. I understand that, in an imperfect world, the family is intended to be a safe, loving haven.

Tucker is hopeful that the Obamas will influence the African American community in this country. My hope goes a step further; I hope their example shines for all Americans - regardless of color.

I’m a huge fan of the First Amendment; I am a journalist after all. It protects us from ourselves and the founders of the United States were using their heads when they penned it into our constitution. For those who don’t know the amendment by heart, here it is:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The Los Angeles Times recently posted two op-ed pieces addressing the Prop. 8 controversy (in case you’ve been living under a rock, Prop. 8 would overturn the legalization of same-sex marriage in California). Dean R. Broyles argues that gay marriage and the first amendment are on a “collision course;” he is the president and chief counsel of the Western Center for Law and Policy, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the protection and promotion of religious freedom, parental rights and other civil liberties. He writes:

While legal protections for free speech and religious liberty have been a critical component of our nation’s core civil rights protections for more than 200 years, laws granting special rights to those engaged in homosexual conduct are the legal “new kid on the block” — and this new kid is proving to be an 800-pound gorilla. The danger here is that by embracing the latter (homosexual rights) with such vigor, we risk the grave consequences of decimating the former (the 1st Amendment). Perhaps this consequence is intended by the proponents of homosexual rights who oppose Proposition 8; perhaps not.

Regardless, the truth is that the conflict is very real. There will be clear winners and there will be clear losers in this zero-sum game. I submit that we should therefore be asking ourselves a more fundamental question: Which better serves the common good or general welfare of our nation — free speech and religious freedom or gay rights? I stand firmly with our infinitely wise founding fathers on the side of the 1st Amendment.

Lorri L. Jean makes a counter-point; she is an attorney and chief executive of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center. She writes:

Proposition 8 would not have any impact at all on anyone’s free exercise of religion any more than allowing interracial marriage does. Back when the California Supreme Court struck down anti-miscegenation laws, opponents of interracial marriage predicted exactly the same dire consequences that you warn of today. None of them came true. …

Contrary to how you view the world, Dean, civil rights are not a “zero-sum game.” Our state is great enough to treat everyone fairly. When women won the right to vote, it didn’t hurt male voters. When the law required that public school sports programs for girls be treated fairly, it didn’t stop the boys from playing sports.

I’d have to agree with Jean; the founding fathers built this country on freedom from religious persecution. Many felt their religious beliefs were attacked - much like religious fanatics attack homosexuals presently. Slice it any way you like; it boils down to forcing everyone in the United States to legally hold the “belief” that homosexuality is an abomination. This is diametrically against the First Amendment.

The proverbial “they” say opposites attract. Most couples have differing attitudes on a variety of subjects. For example, my husband enjoys ultimate fighting and I don’t. He can’t stand pumpkin-flavored treats, while I love pumpkin pie/ice cream/coffee.

These aren’t deal-breaker issues by any means, but what happens when politics collide?

This subject is popping up in articles all over the Internet. Writers are weighing-in with their opinions and suggestions.

For me, politics and religion came up almost immediately when I met my husband. As a divorcee, I knew finding a mate with similar views was important to me. I’m a liberal and my ex was a mega-liberal; it didn’t work. Likewise, I knew getting involved with a staunch conservative wouldn’t be a good fit either.

We went into our marriage knowing that we agreed on ideas and beliefs that were important to us. That doesn’t mean we don’t differ every now and a again - but we (mostly) see eye to eye.

For some couples, different political views gives married life an added spice. Maybe they don’t talk politics or perhaps politics aren’t important. I have married friends whom agree “on the important issues,” but don’t agree on much else. Some of these friends are self-proclaimed “drama queens” and aren’t happy without a “good conflict.”

Ultimately, it’s about knowing what works best for you.

If the election has you and your spouse at each other’s throats, remember the following:

1. Don’t let your attacks become personal. You don’t want to be in the dog house over who you think belongs in the White House.

2. Use political discussions to learn about your spouse or issues, not to win a fight. In the end, politics can’t be categorized into “which party is correct;” it’s about opinions.

3. Know your limits. If it gets too heated, take some time out to regroup. Sometimes, you have to draw the line in the sand and respect your (or your spouse’s) boundaries.

4. Remember to have fun with the election. There’s likely some common ground or you wouldn’t have married one another. Find humor in the situation and temper your discussion with love.

Oh yea - and don’t forget to vote Tuesday (if you haven’t voted early)!

-S-

You’ve likely noticed I’m not the most dedicated blogger on the Internet.

I’ve had some difficulty picking topics, especially since I’m no expert on marriage. Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me; I wasn’t making this fun.

So here’s a post for all you halloweenies out there: A post honoring the couple’s costume.

Couples costumes are great for parties; it’s an easy way to let people know who you came with. The key to pulling it off is a common theme. Common ideas include a famous historical couple (like Mark Anthony and Cleopatra) or objects that go together (Bowling Ball and Bowling Pin).

Halloween Express recently announced its 10 most popular couples costumes for 2008. They are:

10. Rustic Pirate and Rustic Pirate Lady

9. Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington and Sally

8. Bun in the Oven and The Bun Baker

7. The Spartan Cheerleaders

6. Batman and Batgirl

5. Oktoberfest Guy and Girl

4. Dog the Bounty Hunters - Beth and Dog the Bounty Hunter

3. Gilligan’s Island - Gilligan and Mary Ann

2. Plug & Socket

1. The Flintstones - Fred Flintstone and Wilma

So what are the top 10 worst couples costumes? I’ve compiled my list from an extensive Web search, and think these are some of the worst ideas out there (no offense if you’ve been any of these for Halloween):

10. Bride and Groom

You’re already married; wasn’t once enough?

9. Pocahontas and Cpt. John Smith

The two never had a romantic relationship. He was more like a father-figure to her. Please - stop perpetuating bad history!

8. Hot Cherry Pie and the Pie Eater

If you’re attending an adults only gathering, I could let this slide; however, if you’re wearing it to pass out candy on Beggar’s Night - leave the sexual references out of it!

7. John the Baptist and Salome

This woman was responsible for his death! Men, if you’re wife tries to convince you this is a great costume, I would suggest finding a marriage counselor.

6. Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman

Talk about a train wreck…

5. Prince Charles and Princess Diana

I doubt many people would choose this couple now (at least I hope they wouldn’t).

4. The Wonder Twins: Jayna and Zan

Not only are the Wonder Twins crummy super heroes, but they make terrible Halloween costumes as well. Jayna could go as any animal; Zan would be stuck carrying a bucket of water.

3. Victim and Serial Killer

This is self-explanatory.

2. Two Heads in a Fish Tank

Three words: What the hell?!?

1. Madonna and Guy Ritchie

Somehow, I don’t think attending a Halloween bash as an estranged, divorcing couple says anything healthy about your relationship.

No matter what costume you choose, I hope you have a spooktacular Halloween. Happy haunting.

-S-

Sometimes, I think western society is the “downfall” of marriage.Prior to the 20th century, “love” was simply not the focal point of matrimony. An article from Psychology Today puts this in perspective for you and me.

From the dawn of man through the Reniassance period, love was “an absurdly flimsy reason” for people to marry - according to the article. The Greeks believed “inheritance is more important that feelings.” In Rome, “wife-swapping was a career move.”

The Hindus weren’t the only ones arranging marriages either - in 12th century Europe, upper-class families married to strengthen wealth and the only appropriate outlet for passion was adultery.

French essayist Montaigne wrote, “Any man in love with his wife must be so dull that no one else could love him.” (16th century)

Moving on to the late 1600s, Puritans in North America warned their congregants against “loving their spouses too much.”

According the article - you can blame gold-digging wives on the British. “Ladies’ debating societies declare that while loveless marriages are regrettable, women must consider money when choosing a partner.”

Let’s jump into the 1950s - the nuclear family unit. Remember those TV shows where the mother stays home in her dress, apron and heels while the husband goes to work. Golly gee - those were great times when life was keen! Twenty years later, the divorce rate skyrockets because changing social rules “mean marriage is no longer obligatory.” Damn hippies!

In 2008, marriage rates are down; idealized weddings run rampant and people are living together to ensure they’ve “found their soulmate.”

So has marriage declined? Is it failing? Is it an out-dated institution?

The experts will say yes - it delined and is failing. In fact, the experts will frighten us with statistics about how children from single-parent (most often single-mother) households are more likely to use alcohol and drugs, have pre-marital sex and bear children at an early age. What they can’t seem to agree on is if it’s an out-dated institution.

I say define marriage for yourself. I’ll even offer my “expert” opinion - as a child of divorce/divorced person/remarried person/step-mother.

Marriage is the largest commitment of your life. At its best, it’s a legal and spiritual bond between two people. These people vow to care for one another when the times are good - lots of money, food on the table, in good health - and to support one another when the times are bad - a job loss, life-threatening illness, death of loved ones.

A marriage ties together intimate friends. Your spouse is the person you’ll share a bank account, a home, possibly children and your life with. Marriage is about putting yourself second; it’s about trying to think as a unit.

Marriage also is about respecting your spouse’s unique qualities. It’s knowing he or she loves to sew, golf, paint, canoe or play drums. It’s about supporting her or his dreams. It’s also realizing that sometimes, your dreams come second. It’s about having a fighting chance against a world that is determined to drag you through hell, break your spirit and tell you that marriage is a dying institution.

It’s about finding someone who makes you think, stretches your limits and helps you grow. Marriage realizes that no one person is always correct. It knows that some nights, you’ll sleep on the couch. Sometimes, you’ll scream at one another. Sometimes, the sound of your spouse’s voice will get on your nerves.

And in spite of the hard work, marriage is knowing at the end of the day - you have an advocate. You have someone that is on your side, holding your hand and telling the world to kiss your ass.

It won’t always be easy; but I promise, marriage is worth it.  

Just one Internet search should convince you that communication is a necessary part of a healthy marriage (or any relationship, really). I have a degree in communications and I can’t seem to get it right!  

For some couples, brutal honesty works; others prefer to keep secrets. I know couples who constantly argue and that dynamic keeps their marriage fresh. The point is people communicate in a variety of ways.

So where do you turn if you need some communication pointers? There are plenty of marriage counselors, magazine articles and other married people with loads of advice/expertise/experience. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

Here are some tips from the experts:

The American Association of Matrimony Lawyers remind married couples that “no one wins an argument.” Compromise is key to settling arguments and disagreements in a respectful manner. Most of their tips involve resolving conflict. Keeping a positive attitude is the probably the most important suggestion on their list.

It’s vital to discuss the bad, but don’t leave out the good! Complimenting your spouse can go a long way in wedded bliss. Remember when you were dating? Remember all those butterflies from his compliment about your hair, or her compliment about your taste in music? Those kind words shouldn’t end after you’ve walked down the aisle! You can find more information about the positives of compliments at About.com.

Lastly, make time to talk with your spouse. Once again, think about when you were dating; I remember never running out of things to talk about. I haven’t been married long, but my husband and I dated for two years. While sometimes you might feel that you’ve run out of things to say, About.com has a list of activities that could get the conversational ball rolling. 

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If you have a suggestion for a topic, please leave a comment - I’d be glad to write about it! 

-S-